Here I am

You know that light at the end of the tunnel? It seems to be running low on batteries and is starting to get really fucking dim.

I'm doing ok, considering. Beta went up a tiny bit on Sunday just enough to mindfuck and cause further testing. Monday showed even less of an increase so meds stopped and waiting for it to resolve. Part of me hoped the rise was enough for a tubal again, in the one tube that's blocked and hanging out there by itself. Just because, you know, that would be FIXABLE!

But no.

I'm not ready to think about where I am. I mean, I am right here, but I am not sure I am willing to admit it yet. I am not ready for the crushing realization that the only labor and delivery I will experience was two years ago, shrouded in horror, sadness and pain. At least I had that, I think.

There's 3 embryos left. 3 little embryos that are there as the last chance. So much pressure on those little guys. They aren't that great of quality either. They are waiting to meet my Uterus of Doom.

But first, opinions from the scores of doctors at our current RE. My RE is going to present to the rest for input on what might be going on. Then other opinions. How sad is it that thinking of taking my records to another doctor makes me weepy? I love this guy, but why can't he fix this? He is my hero in the white coat. Why can't he fix me?

Amazing

Amazing stories happen to other people.

Beta down, 148

If you build it...

They will come.

That's what I told M this weekend as we put the final touches on the baby room for our home study. The baby room that had almost everything except the baby that should be two now.

It wasn't our finest moment, standing there in Babie.sRUs with scowls on our face on the actual date our son died two years ago. But we needed a crib mattress and some child proofing supplies. The misery blindsided both of us. We were so busy getting all the things done for yesterday's home study, we didn't think to take care of the Babie.sRUs stuff on a day that didn't feel so... so... significant.

Having the room finally done though and on the date two years later, it felt... right. I kept opening the door and basking it in. I spent time there yesterday morning in that chair, with a candle lit wishing things would have been different yet feeling as we did right by our son to finish what we started. Even if the current IVF cycle didn't work out, his stuff will be not go to waste. It won't sit in a box, in a room full of crap, behind a door that is never opened.

Yesterday I moved his wooden memory box and part of me felt wrong in doing so. Part of me told me it was time. I wasn't willing to share that with the home study lady. I am not willing to share it openly with others at all. It's for us, me and M. So it's in our closet now, placed with care.

The home study went really well. Our house looks better than it ever has. We got so many of the things we wanted to get done, done. It was with great pride we took her through our home. After she completed her checklist of safety items, we talked for a few hours. It was nice to sit and have people listen to your childhood stories and the things your parents did that you want or don't want to do. It wasn't so nice when she pointed out that I do one particular thing that I hated that my mother did. (To Do List Freaks Unite!)

All it all it went well. But the minute it was over... My mind was free to commence Beta Mindfuck Fall 2009. I didn't do any pee sticks, I just wait for today. Beta Day. I went from feeling a few days ago that it definitely worked, to no, all symptoms gone, failure.

This morning I relented, just so I would be ready.

Faint line. Fuck, seriously? Another chemical? I went back to bed. I figured I couldn't take work today, it was all too much.

I got up 3 minutes later and decided I needed to check it again and just get showered and do my progesterone hoo-ha insertion.

This is what I saw:


That's no faint line (sorry camera phone not so great). Not nearly as faint as the last two chemicals at least. Not as dark as the control line, but meh.

I went to work with a little bit of hope. I emailed my nurse and asked that she just email me with the results. Honestly because listening to her sad, I am so sorry voice, is just too much. She had today off though, but promised to email anyways especially since I told her about the HPT.

I have this theory, as many IF women do. They save all the shitty calls for the end of the day. So if you don't hear by 4pm, you are probably going to hear that so sorry voice. I get it too, make the fun calls first, then ruin people's lives (figuratively) second. Although, I might opt for the other way around so my day could end on a high note.

Anyways. I digress.

Beta in.

171. 10 days past 5 day transfer(10dp5dt) Or 15 dpo.

That's no chemical number. William's was 172 to start.

Back Friday. Please let it double. Cautious, ever so cautious optimism.

If you build it, they will come...

Hey, maybe that Ray Kinse.lla guy (Costner) was onto something.

ETA: Beta fell. See next post.

Gle.e

I'm in the middle of the storm, not much to say. Beta is the same day as home study, I think... Awesome. I can't wrap my head around this "last attempt" thing. I chose a river in egypt for 1000, please.

So do any of you watch Gle.e? Fucking love that show. Hiliarious.

Crazy fake pregnant lady and pregnant teenage girl included.

Last week (not last night, no spoilers please, I need to watch it still). They sang my song. The song that stuck with me during those days after Nov 7th two years ago, when I was having trouble catching my breath, probably due to moderately bad anemia from all the shit my body was struggling with.

No Air. (losing you was like living in a world with no air...)

Since then I have been in this significant song cycle. On the radio, in stores, everywhere. Songs from that time mostly, with a few others creeping in. I heard one the other day that launched me right back to the old me.

16 years old, driving my truck around, not wanting to go home because I couldn't stop crying. My life as I knew it was over. My boyfriend had told me he "got together" with my friend during his prom. My mom hadn't let me go to the prom with him because I was "too young" so he took my friend. I was pissed at my mom, but it was OK, he was taking MY FRIEND. A week later he tells me they ended up as more than friends that night. I was a sobbing, crying mess, listening and singing loudly with the pained voice of Sinea.d (don't judge me, I loved her stuff). My eyes were swollen for days. I was there, in that blue truck, driving around, stopping at Ace Hard.ware (cuz Ace is the place with the helpful hardware man...). Why the fuck did I need to go there? No idea. A guy I knew was working the cash register. He asked me if I was ok. I said yes, full of shame, grabbed my bag and left. We are now friends on FB. But the guy and the friend? Fuck them both.

I remembered those hardcore "my life is over" feelings listening to that song like I was 16 again. That poor girl, she really had no idea what pain was. And you know, that's ok.

Clean up

Well, if things look good, I will be starting stims soon. I cannot even express how excited I am to be off the birth control pills soon. A constant state of nausea is just wrong, especially since it's only there in preparation to try to get me pregnant, instead of actually being pregnant. One would think it would help me lose weight too... haha! Funny.

So we are concurrently moving through the final stages of licensing for Foster/Adopt. We have our home study early next month --- in the proposed two week wait. Not sure how I feel about that, but hey... why not?

I have found it oddly therapeutic to get the "baby" room closer to looking like a room a person (tiny human) could live in instead of the "catch all--- no, no, don't open that door" room. We have to buy a crib mattress soon. I may finish the entire room during the two year anniversary week. Not to torture myself, in theory, but to finish what was started but never finished when our son died. I even looked up the cribset to see if it was still being sold (it's not) and whether I could find the matching lamp (I can, on eba.y but I am too cheap the pay what they want for it). I also need to look up and see whether I can buy the crib conversion kit we opted out on when we bought it, just in case we get a toddler who needs a toddler bed instead of a full crib. I am not sure either of us are ready for the emotions involved in having it look like the beautiful nursery we had planned so lovingly two years ago. Especially if it remains empty with no placements for equally as long...

Anyways, that brings me to my question for you guys. I want to hire a house cleaner. I have wanted to for a long time. I am just not sure I can calm my worries about someone coming into my home to clean for me... On one hand, I can't fathom just sitting there while someone cleans my home, but I can't not be there (trust) and then, if she doesn't do it better than I would have, I will feel like I wasted $.

So, how do I pick someone? I was planning on looking through Crai.gslist but there's so many, it's overwhelming. I think part of my neurosis about this is also because we had one as a kid and it was torture!! We had to clean so much to prepare for the cleaning lady every week. Now, I see the value in that - you don't want to waste the time she is there with her picking up after you. I want her to do the deep cleaning.

For your help in this, I give you this:



Thanks :)

Sunshine, or lack thereof

I am getting ready to do our final fresh IVF. It's seriously mindfucking me and not in the use warming KY jelly way. So I just don't know what to say here, there or anywhere. I just can't believe I am here.

Anyways. Two months ago, during my physical needed for Foster/Adopt - they found my Vitamin D levels to be pretty darn low. After reading about it, I can't say I am all that surprised. Two ankle breaks in two years... low energy... infertility.... PCOS... It's like going down a checklist of my life. So, they put me on an 8 week regimen of 50k dose of Vitamin D. I need to go in for my follow up bloodwork. After that, I will probably be on 2k-4k or so dosage daily. Incidentally, my husband's was low too. They skipped the 50k regime and put him directly on the 2k.

There are some interesting reports out there on this. Here is an article to read to get started. I would love to come out and say this has been a MIRACLE for me, but it hasn't... yet. Maybe it will. Maybe it will save my life, cardiovascularly and I will have never realized it. I don't know. I do suggest you do a little research though and ask for your doctor to put it on your fun list of tests to run next time you have bloodwork though.

It can't hurt, right?

Chemical, schmemical

Just for the record - a faint line is probably not good on a pregnancy test. If you are here because you just googled VERY FAINT LINE HPT, then I am sorry. For me, it never means good things. Unless of course you pee the day after you have sex with your husband and already have 18 kids at home and your last name is Duggar... then a faint line probably meants your uterus is a clown car.

So yah, fuck. I am pissed as hell. I didn't outline my FET here simply because it was so mellow and I was most of the way through it before I realized I hadn't been posting. It was a natural FET - nice to just chill and wait for natural ovulation (with monitoring) and then transfer and then twice a day vagina pills.

Too bad it results in a 10dp5dt beta of 18.8.

We even bumped it up and transferred 3 this time. Silly me, I actually spent time worrying about whether all 3 would take and what we would do.

Do you hear that? Yes, that's the universe laughing at me.

I will say though, I went into it feeling hopeful and positive and it really helped. For a few weeks there, I let go of some of my bitterness and it was nice.

So we have one more Fresh and one frozen left in this Shared Risk program. Hurray!!

Fuck.

I am angry all over again at the shit fucking post partum care I got after the stillbirth of my son. The repeated need for D&C's - the infection - the doctor that told me "I have small asian hands, I will get the placenta out" - I should have kicked her in the face while she had her arm up to her armpit in my vagina.

We will go through the motions and hope for good results on the next IVF. In the meantime, I am researching gestational surrogacy. My RE told me my uterus "was as good as its going to get" after the last office hysteroscopy. Just bad luck, he said. I love this doctor, but I am not buying the Just Bad Luck bullshit cookies he is selling anymore. Bad luck for having that shitty ass post partum care that destroyed my uterus, maybe.

Bad luck because the only biological child I may ever have is spread across a lake.

I can't take any well meaning comments right now, I will probably lash out inappropriately. Please just leave cusswords and rants. And please, don't link me to LFCA, I can't handle any drive by gawking either.