Gle.e

I'm in the middle of the storm, not much to say. Beta is the same day as home study, I think... Awesome. I can't wrap my head around this "last attempt" thing. I chose a river in egypt for 1000, please.

So do any of you watch Gle.e? Fucking love that show. Hiliarious.

Crazy fake pregnant lady and pregnant teenage girl included.

Last week (not last night, no spoilers please, I need to watch it still). They sang my song. The song that stuck with me during those days after Nov 7th two years ago, when I was having trouble catching my breath, probably due to moderately bad anemia from all the shit my body was struggling with.

No Air. (losing you was like living in a world with no air...)

Since then I have been in this significant song cycle. On the radio, in stores, everywhere. Songs from that time mostly, with a few others creeping in. I heard one the other day that launched me right back to the old me.

16 years old, driving my truck around, not wanting to go home because I couldn't stop crying. My life as I knew it was over. My boyfriend had told me he "got together" with my friend during his prom. My mom hadn't let me go to the prom with him because I was "too young" so he took my friend. I was pissed at my mom, but it was OK, he was taking MY FRIEND. A week later he tells me they ended up as more than friends that night. I was a sobbing, crying mess, listening and singing loudly with the pained voice of Sinea.d (don't judge me, I loved her stuff). My eyes were swollen for days. I was there, in that blue truck, driving around, stopping at Ace Hard.ware (cuz Ace is the place with the helpful hardware man...). Why the fuck did I need to go there? No idea. A guy I knew was working the cash register. He asked me if I was ok. I said yes, full of shame, grabbed my bag and left. We are now friends on FB. But the guy and the friend? Fuck them both.

I remembered those hardcore "my life is over" feelings listening to that song like I was 16 again. That poor girl, she really had no idea what pain was. And you know, that's ok.

Clean up

Well, if things look good, I will be starting stims soon. I cannot even express how excited I am to be off the birth control pills soon. A constant state of nausea is just wrong, especially since it's only there in preparation to try to get me pregnant, instead of actually being pregnant. One would think it would help me lose weight too... haha! Funny.

So we are concurrently moving through the final stages of licensing for Foster/Adopt. We have our home study early next month --- in the proposed two week wait. Not sure how I feel about that, but hey... why not?

I have found it oddly therapeutic to get the "baby" room closer to looking like a room a person (tiny human) could live in instead of the "catch all--- no, no, don't open that door" room. We have to buy a crib mattress soon. I may finish the entire room during the two year anniversary week. Not to torture myself, in theory, but to finish what was started but never finished when our son died. I even looked up the cribset to see if it was still being sold (it's not) and whether I could find the matching lamp (I can, on eba.y but I am too cheap the pay what they want for it). I also need to look up and see whether I can buy the crib conversion kit we opted out on when we bought it, just in case we get a toddler who needs a toddler bed instead of a full crib. I am not sure either of us are ready for the emotions involved in having it look like the beautiful nursery we had planned so lovingly two years ago. Especially if it remains empty with no placements for equally as long...

Anyways, that brings me to my question for you guys. I want to hire a house cleaner. I have wanted to for a long time. I am just not sure I can calm my worries about someone coming into my home to clean for me... On one hand, I can't fathom just sitting there while someone cleans my home, but I can't not be there (trust) and then, if she doesn't do it better than I would have, I will feel like I wasted $.

So, how do I pick someone? I was planning on looking through Crai.gslist but there's so many, it's overwhelming. I think part of my neurosis about this is also because we had one as a kid and it was torture!! We had to clean so much to prepare for the cleaning lady every week. Now, I see the value in that - you don't want to waste the time she is there with her picking up after you. I want her to do the deep cleaning.

For your help in this, I give you this:



Thanks :)

Sunshine, or lack thereof

I am getting ready to do our final fresh IVF. It's seriously mindfucking me and not in the use warming KY jelly way. So I just don't know what to say here, there or anywhere. I just can't believe I am here.

Anyways. Two months ago, during my physical needed for Foster/Adopt - they found my Vitamin D levels to be pretty darn low. After reading about it, I can't say I am all that surprised. Two ankle breaks in two years... low energy... infertility.... PCOS... It's like going down a checklist of my life. So, they put me on an 8 week regimen of 50k dose of Vitamin D. I need to go in for my follow up bloodwork. After that, I will probably be on 2k-4k or so dosage daily. Incidentally, my husband's was low too. They skipped the 50k regime and put him directly on the 2k.

There are some interesting reports out there on this. Here is an article to read to get started. I would love to come out and say this has been a MIRACLE for me, but it hasn't... yet. Maybe it will. Maybe it will save my life, cardiovascularly and I will have never realized it. I don't know. I do suggest you do a little research though and ask for your doctor to put it on your fun list of tests to run next time you have bloodwork though.

It can't hurt, right?

Chemical, schmemical

Just for the record - a faint line is probably not good on a pregnancy test. If you are here because you just googled VERY FAINT LINE HPT, then I am sorry. For me, it never means good things. Unless of course you pee the day after you have sex with your husband and already have 18 kids at home and your last name is Duggar... then a faint line probably meants your uterus is a clown car.

So yah, fuck. I am pissed as hell. I didn't outline my FET here simply because it was so mellow and I was most of the way through it before I realized I hadn't been posting. It was a natural FET - nice to just chill and wait for natural ovulation (with monitoring) and then transfer and then twice a day vagina pills.

Too bad it results in a 10dp5dt beta of 18.8.

We even bumped it up and transferred 3 this time. Silly me, I actually spent time worrying about whether all 3 would take and what we would do.

Do you hear that? Yes, that's the universe laughing at me.

I will say though, I went into it feeling hopeful and positive and it really helped. For a few weeks there, I let go of some of my bitterness and it was nice.

So we have one more Fresh and one frozen left in this Shared Risk program. Hurray!!

Fuck.

I am angry all over again at the shit fucking post partum care I got after the stillbirth of my son. The repeated need for D&C's - the infection - the doctor that told me "I have small asian hands, I will get the placenta out" - I should have kicked her in the face while she had her arm up to her armpit in my vagina.

We will go through the motions and hope for good results on the next IVF. In the meantime, I am researching gestational surrogacy. My RE told me my uterus "was as good as its going to get" after the last office hysteroscopy. Just bad luck, he said. I love this doctor, but I am not buying the Just Bad Luck bullshit cookies he is selling anymore. Bad luck for having that shitty ass post partum care that destroyed my uterus, maybe.

Bad luck because the only biological child I may ever have is spread across a lake.

I can't take any well meaning comments right now, I will probably lash out inappropriately. Please just leave cusswords and rants. And please, don't link me to LFCA, I can't handle any drive by gawking either.

No... well, maybe... perhaps

"Does jerking off make you stronger?"

If you found your way here after searching this question, the answer is no. Well, maybe... perhaps.

Tiny update

We finally sent in our Foster/Adopt application last week. We will see how it goes through the channels. They have 90 days to process us through.

As a result, we have been busting ass on home improvement. It's so nice, I love a clean, organized home with projects in progress again. Seriously, I got up at 8am on Saturday and reorganized the whole shed. Most of which I did before M was even awake.

I know the Fall and Winter are approaching and with it, the emotional sludge I have been ignoring with the summer. Trying to get pregnant, handling holidays, deathaversary, cold days where baking and soup making seems great but sad for just M and I. I refuse to acknowledge summer is over until the lake closes at the end of September.

Not much more to say. I am still about, commenting when I can, mostly from my phone (if you don't have a full content feed, sorry I haven't been neglecting you on purpose).

So, back by popular demand, I will conduct my blog in pictures for a bit. This is how I feel about the end of summer:

Discipline

So, I wanted to mail our Foster application today, but we didn't get a chance to work through some answers together. Specifically, discipline.

WA State's policy gives the following list of what you CAN'T do, a lot of which just makes me sad, because these policies don't get made unless some foster parent already did it:

1. I will not use cruel, unusual, frightening, unsafe or humiliating discipline practices. These include but are not limited to:
a) Spanking children with a hand or object;
b) Biting, jerking, kicking, hitting, or shaking the child;
c) Pulling the child’s hair;
d) Throwing the child;
e) Purposely inflicting pain as a punishment;
f) Name calling, using derogatory comments;
g) Threatening the child with physical harm;
h) Threatening or intimidating the child; or
i) Placing or requiring a child to stand under a cold water shower.

2. I will not use methods that interfere with a child’s basic needs. These include, but are not limited to:
a) Depriving the child of sleep;
b) Providing inadequate food, clothing, living space or shelter;
c) Restricting a child’s breathing;
d) Interfering with a child’s ability to take care of their own hygiene and toilet needs; or
e) Providing inadequate medical or dental care.

3. I will not use methods that deprive a child of necessary services. These include, but are not limited to, contacting;
a) The assigned social worker;
b) The assigned legal representative;
c) Parents or other family members who are identified in the case plan; or
d) Individuals providing the child with therapeutic activities as part of the child’s service plan.

4. I will not use medications in an amount or frequency other that that prescribed by a physician or psychiatrist.

5. I will not use medications for a child that have been prescribed for someone else.

Did I tell you the story about the child that was put in respite for the weekend? Respite is in place to give foster parents a break, vacation or whatnot. When the kid was dropped off, the foster parent told the respite worker here is his medication, give him one [periodically] through the day or he will get out of control. The foster parent left for her weekend away.

The medication? Benadryl.

Stories like that made it so you can't even give a foster kid a vitamin without a doctor prescription.

Poor kids.

So tell me, sweet, sweet readers. What are your discipline practices for children in the 6 month to 7 year old age range?

(Can you even discipline a 6 month old? Besides, um, no, please, please stop yanking my hair out of my head!!)