GD

I am sure the hostility I was broadcasting was felt by all the very pregnant women at the table. It was my first experience in a group setting of pregnant women since... well, ever. For some reason it made me angry. These women, farther along than me, with heavy bellies sitting there, probably irritated they failed their 3 hour GTT. When the instructor started with the first women closest to her, I became even more hostile.

They were asking personal questions about pregnancies in a group setting! Oh for fuck sake, I couldn't sit there and pretend the worst thing in the world is gestational diabetes. I didn't want to have to answer whether I had GD before and if so, in how many pregnancies. I was third down the line, but with the first woman answering I was freaking out in my head and could feel my face turning red and the sweat start to gather.

Then the second woman spoke and everything went still and quiet. She listed out her due date, with the caveat that she would be giving birth almost a full month before that via schedule C section. The nurse was taking notes and didn't look up when she asked why? The woman answered that she had large fibroids, gestational diabetes and well, she lost her first baby at 39 weeks. I could almost feel the silent gasp from the other pregnant ladies and the long, pregnant, uncomfortable pause. Then the nurse raced off with more questions about her blood sugar tracking.

I felt like an idiot. There I sat just one pregnant lady ago, miffed that I had to take a group class with all these "innocents." Before I could even finish my thought process, the nurse moved onto me and I stumbled over my answers. I was asked if I had gestational diabetes before (as a reason to why I, at 16 weeks compared to the 26+++ week women at the table, was there). I fumbled and said I had failed the 1 hour on my last pregnancy and before I could say that I never got a chance to hit the 3 hour, that I too don't have a child at home to show for it, she moved on.

The following week, I tested my blood sugars 4 times a day and more often than not thought about that woman. I thought about how not one person at the table, including me, gave her any sympathy over the child she lost. I had the opportunity to reach out to another dbm and I failed. Not just a dbm, but a scared shitless, get through each day, pregnant one. I decided I didn't care if it made the other innocent pregnant ladies in the room uncomfortable, I would say something, anything to this woman at our followup class.

Last Thursday rolled around and she wasn't there. I felt like I let her down and missed an opportunity to reach out to her, to let her know her baby meant something to me and that I was thinking about her. When I returned from the bathroom, she was there and she was seated in the seat right next to me again. At the end of the class (we were all successful in keeping our blood sugars in range! I even received kudos for barely going over on my birthday) I leaned over and tapped her shoulder.

I quietly said to her, "I am really sorry about the loss of your first baby. I know you brought it up last week and I just feel bad that I didn't say something then. I also lost my first, but at 26 weeks"

We chatted a bit, back and forth for the few minutes we could. She was 4 days (4 fucking days!) from her C section when she realized she didn't feel her daughter moving anymore. They found 7 or so clots in her placenta and cord when they delivered her. She is taking baby aspirin now and being watched closely by the same Perinatal office I go to (No, she tested negative for all clotting factors, they aren't sure what happened...). In fact, they were going to do an MRI later that day to check on everything. She is scared and testing her blood sugars more than "needed" according to the nurses because she *has* to, she has to do everything she can.

I can't really describe how I felt when I left. I'm glad I spoke to her, reached out so she knew she wasn't the only one in a room full of happy, carefree pregnant women. I told her "Good Luck with everything" as I left, but that doesn't really cover it all, does it? I'm thinking about her a lot, wishing, hoping, praying things are different for her this time. She is 28 weeks now. I really wish I would have exchanged info or something with her, I wish I could know when her baby makes it out safe this time. She will remain in my thoughts for the stressful weeks to come.