Tuesday, June 29, 2010

Full

37 weeks today. "Officially" full term.

I admit, I have been wandering the last few weeks as a blissfully pregnant woman. Ignorant pregnant woman. Buying up all the stuff we need, receiving more gifts than I would have imagined without a typical shower. Allowing a "small" shower event during our last trip to the lake (which ended up not so small). M and I have navigated these last few weeks in awe. Wondering how we made it this far. Thinking we might actually have the golden ticket this time.

My doctor told me a week or so ago, that without the "weird placenta" she would call this a pretty normal pregnancy. The boy is growing well, not too big, not too small (60th percentile last scan), so the cord and the placenta have been doing their job. The gestational diabetes has been completely diet controlled. The blood pressure has been great (taken after I sit for the NST reading my book listening to his heartbeat helps). The previa went away quite some time ago. He moved from Frank Breech to Head down about 31ish weeks. Weight gain for me has been great, thanks to the GD (13 pounds total now, but I was overweight to start with, don't be too impressed). For all the monitoring and worry, this baby has been trooping right along.

So, we wait now. And now, as it becomes less of a dream and more of a reality, I am struggling to keep the bad thought demons at bay. I took my leave of this blogland to make it through and while I have been watching and reading, I haven't had it in me to remember the pain and to reach out and support others. Denial is a river I have been floating on to survive. Yet after my last appointment, where my doctor checked me for progress and immediately looked concerned that he was no longer head down (he is but off to the side a bit, no where near engaged in the pelvis), the demons are starting to win.

They are mocking me, making me regret these weeks of blissful ignorant pregnancy. Making me wonder what in the world I would do with all the stuff if he doesn't make it. Asking me to answer whether I could make it through if he doesn't make it, or whether the life I know would cease to exist. What doesn't kill makes you stronger, right? I wonder, what if he doesn't have room to move into my pelvis? His head is down and to the left, exactly where his brother was when he curled up and got stuck and died.

Yet, I know these are just demons and I can choose to pay attention to them and suffer these last few weeks or I can try not to give them power. Either way there is not much I can do about it, right? The boy isn't ready to be born yet. He is moving a lot and humors me every time I poke at him in my frantic search for life. He is being monitored once a week with an ultrasound and an NST.

We just have to wait. Like a book with alternative endings. The one for primetime (TADA! Baby!) and the others (the others). The other endings we won't give strength or power to. Come on little man, come on body, come on uterus, come on placenta, come on cord. Let's make this a ready for primetime story.

19 comments:

yummysushipajamas said...

I am here, hoping and praying and cheering you on.

Mary Beth said...

Denial is a powerful survival tool--use it as freely as you need. Hang in there--thinking of you and your little guy.

Meg said...

Thank you for updating!
I've been obsessively checking everyday.
Are you planning on being induced by your due date or waiting until labor starts?
Sitting waiting here with you.

Reba said...

thinking of you as the endless moments tick down to arrival.

angie said...

Holy shit! 37 weeks! I am also in awe. I think it is really cool and important to be able to get to the blissfully pregnant woman place, getting ready for primetime and floating on the Denial River as well as getting the hell out of blogland if it helps to keep the demons at bay. Anything to get through. xo (I am impressed with 13 pounds!)

Another Dreamer said...

I've been thinking of you, and get the need to stay away from the blogland- I'm big on self preservation.

Hang in there G$- hoping for you.

k@lakly said...

I totally get your need to remain away. Do whatever you have to to get through these last few weeks. They move so slowly, it's almost like watching paint dry...except, well the dramatic music playing in the background makes it much more, umm, CRAZY.

I hope he continues to oblige you with the needed reassurances on demand and that you are fit for primetime in no time at all.

You deserve some blissful ignorance, even the pretend kind. Savor every second of it G. Then you can tell him all about it when he gets here. ANd if comes on the 4th, will you name him Sam?

Sending you every good thought I have and waiting patiently(well not patiently really) with you.
xxoo

CeCe said...

Glad to see and update and to hear that all is going well. Sending positive thoughts and prayers your way!

Aurelia said...

Very happy to see you here and well! I was just thinking about you. Are you getting induced?

Cause what the hell, why not?

I will keep thinking about you, every single day

edenland said...

I have been steadily thinking of you more and more, lately. Wondering how you are, how your thoughts are going. How that baby in your belly is going.

I want to give you a massive hug, feel your full belly with my big manhands. Love ya mate. You are doing SO WELL.

Good on you for writing this post, hope it took some steam off the anxiety pressure cooker.

XOXOXOXOX

Heather said...

Float away on the river of bliss.... you deserve every minute of it.

Every pregnant women needs those days of positivity. Grab onto them whenever you can. We're all thinking of you and waiting with you.

Tash said...

Dude, I've got a 8w old boy sitting within feet of me right now, and I'm *still* rafting down that river. Let me know when you get to the happy ending, and how I can wrap this book up I've got going here.

Hang tough. And just for hahas, remember some babies come a bit early . . . I'm now officially refreshing this site for news on a daily (hourly?) basis!

Waiting . . . waiting . . . .

Mel said...

So good to hear an update from you, mama. Waiting, praying and abiding with you...*hugs*

loribeth said...

Hang in there... just a little longer...!! I will be checking my reader too!

janis said...

Thinking of you mightily!!

Ange said...

You are nearly there and I am waiting with much anticipation for the joyous news. Thinking of you more and more and wishing time passes quickly and without too much extra stress.

Christy said...

37 weeks is amazing. I am 39 today and am using a lot of that denial.....yeesh.
Can't wait to see your update announcing your beautiful baby's arrival!

c. said...

38 weeks now. Waiting with baited breath. Really. Really.

Can we be FB friends or do you think me a total loser, with a giant L, for asking? I think I want to see your updates, that's why.

XO.

Sue said...

Been thinking of you, G. Do what you need to do to take care of yourself and your little one.

Right here with you.

xox