Monday, July 12, 2010

Still here

I'm still here, still pregnant. If he doesn't show up this week, our induction is this Saturday. I'm having emotional trouble wrapping my brain around it, which translates into crying for hours at a time. Considering I am not a big crying (call me the ice queen), it's been a bit disturbing. I have been feeling like a failure for crying and "convincing" my doctor to induce because I'm an emotional wreck feeling like he would be safer now outside of this body.

I was calm with the doctor for 37 weeks, this was the first time I let crazy out of the box. I kept apologizing, I don't want to be the crazy woman who is asking for an induction because she is uncomfortable and hot. That's not it at all, in fact I feel great. In between the times I am poking at my belly hoping he is still alive, in between the times I wake up drenched in sweat after dreaming would we would do to the fully set up nursery if we had no baby to bring home, in between the times I have to shout at my brain to relax, that he is going to be ok, in between the times I feel his head where William's was and wonder if he is stuck and we are just seconds away from him dying like his brother did.

My doctor was great though, told me I am not that cliche induction requester at all (that woman comes in with tears and her dayplanner with the date and time in it). I told her I try to escape this mindfuck (she liked that word) and have been winning the battle for most of my pregnancy, but in these last few days and weeks, the mindfuck is winning the war. She is fine with it, provided I understand that it has about a 50% chance of turning into a C section since my cervix isn't doing anything and the baby isn't engaged yet (it may get better by Saturday). I have thought all along I would have a C section, so if he gets a vaginal exit, that's just bonus points. Birth plan, remember = Get him out alive by whatever means necessary.

So, here we are. The final frontier. Not racing to the finish line, but racing to the beginning of something awesome. A place where I need to stop thinking about if I will survive if he dies, but how the fuck I am going to parent. Or maybe, after he arrives safely, we can tackle that challenge.

22 comments:

CLC said...

Thinking of you G! These last few days are the hardest. Don't feel like a freak. It's only natural that you feel he is safer outside at this point. He will be here soon, so stock up on your sleep! And keep as busy as possible to keep the mindfuck war at bay!

Jenn said...

Hope this last little while goes VERY fast. Good luck!

Mary Beth said...

Good job getting this far with your sanity intact! And you're smart to prioritize worries--get the baby out alive, worry about the rest later. As I have learned, it does fall into place.

Hang in there--you are getting to the good part :)

Meg said...

5 more days!
Good for you for standing up for yourself and doing what's right for you. So glad you have an understanding OB.

still life angie said...

I am just going to second CLC and say, the last few days were the hardest for me too. So close was like the muscular memory of chaos, or something. It felt crazy in my body. Crying, then anxiety, then joy (he was alive! Still!) Then crying again. Fucking hormones don't help. Anyway, I know there isn't much useful to say, except you are doing great, even if it doesn't feel like it. XO

janis said...

Thinking of you ever so mightily. xo

Tash said...

I didn't even make it til my "last days," so I'll say the last month or so was BRUTAL. No NST could possibly convince me that it would end well. I grew more quiet, more defensive, more steely. Everyone around me grew excited, and I retreated into my little cave. It was tough.

We're all hanging in there with you. I did nothing to prepare (and I mean, nothing) and we were fine. A bit nutty the first few days, but hey -- the first few days are nutty irregardless.

Thinking of you.

k@lakly said...

FWIW, I think you kick ass. It's all a crazy mindfuck, all the way up to the point when they hand a screaming baby to you and you think WTF...now what? Do whatever you need to to get through the next days, even if it means sticking your fingers in your ears, closing your eyes and lalalalaling at the rest of the world.
xxoo

Aunt Becky said...

Love you, girl. Sending you big ass vodka infused hugs.

Heather said...

The last few days SUCK, but in a week, it's all done, and you're sleep-deprived and sore, and you'll have this gorgeous munchkin.

Thinking of you. Good luck!

IF Optimist, then... said...

Just checking in to send a lot of love and good wishes for all to be well with a very happy Mama and gorgeous healthy baby at the end of this long hard road.

noswimmers said...

Huge hugs to you girl. I agree with CLC, get as much rest as you can now!!
I can't help but think some of the mindfuck is nervous energy due to nesting? I remember running around like crazy the day before my water broke, nervous as hell.
Hang in there.
xoxo

Ange said...

Ahh the mindfuck. Hoping these last days don't do you in too much. As CLC says rest up my girl..things are about to get FUN!

Can't wait to hear the joyful news - keep your eye on the prize. xx

Another Dreamer said...

Just wanted to let you know I'm thinking of you G$ (*hugs*)

missing_one said...

*hugs* don't feel like a failure. You're doc is right that you are NOT the typical woman that comes in just because she is 'done' being pregnant. No, you're scared shitless and need to get the baby out ASAP.
I was the same way. We agreed to induce 10 days early.
*hugs* hang in there! Can't wait!!!!

Aurelia said...

I'm amazed you are ok....sending huge hugs!

Aurelia said...

I meant--emotionally ok, not physically...crap, sorry. Just update us a bit, k?

Annie said...

Thanks for stopping by my blog and commenting on my Lovenox question. Glad to see it's worked for you!

Mel said...

Ahhhhhh...G$. I'm not sure the worry ever goes away. It just changes. :)

Thinking of you...f&#*. You're gonna make it.

jill said...

Thinking of you and sending happy thoughts to get you through this time until you meet you son :)

Shinejil said...

Hugs. I hope everything goes beautifully and that you have a very joyful birth.

Sue said...

Thinking of you, G. Thinking good thoughts for you.

xox