Still here

I'm still here, still pregnant. If he doesn't show up this week, our induction is this Saturday. I'm having emotional trouble wrapping my brain around it, which translates into crying for hours at a time. Considering I am not a big crying (call me the ice queen), it's been a bit disturbing. I have been feeling like a failure for crying and "convincing" my doctor to induce because I'm an emotional wreck feeling like he would be safer now outside of this body.

I was calm with the doctor for 37 weeks, this was the first time I let crazy out of the box. I kept apologizing, I don't want to be the crazy woman who is asking for an induction because she is uncomfortable and hot. That's not it at all, in fact I feel great. In between the times I am poking at my belly hoping he is still alive, in between the times I wake up drenched in sweat after dreaming would we would do to the fully set up nursery if we had no baby to bring home, in between the times I have to shout at my brain to relax, that he is going to be ok, in between the times I feel his head where William's was and wonder if he is stuck and we are just seconds away from him dying like his brother did.

My doctor was great though, told me I am not that cliche induction requester at all (that woman comes in with tears and her dayplanner with the date and time in it). I told her I try to escape this mindfuck (she liked that word) and have been winning the battle for most of my pregnancy, but in these last few days and weeks, the mindfuck is winning the war. She is fine with it, provided I understand that it has about a 50% chance of turning into a C section since my cervix isn't doing anything and the baby isn't engaged yet (it may get better by Saturday). I have thought all along I would have a C section, so if he gets a vaginal exit, that's just bonus points. Birth plan, remember = Get him out alive by whatever means necessary.

So, here we are. The final frontier. Not racing to the finish line, but racing to the beginning of something awesome. A place where I need to stop thinking about if I will survive if he dies, but how the fuck I am going to parent. Or maybe, after he arrives safely, we can tackle that challenge.